God Grows Us in Holy Secrecy

It's Official!  Spring has sprung here in Nashville and all the world is waking up again.  There's something about the color green that restores my soul.   I remind myself during bleak Winter months that new life is purposefully guarded and concealed until the appropriate time for its unearthing has come. And when it comes it is a SIGHT to behold.  I call it green glory.

I love seasons because they are such a metaphor of life and living, they teach us something of faith and hope, of trust and perseverance.  As I read Isaiah 42:9 today I was struck with the encouragement scripture brings to us in our own seasons of waiting.  God is the One who "laid out the earth and all that grows from it" who breathes life into us and makes us "alive with His own life."  So staggering!  Our growth is hidden in Him.  Our life is hidden in His life.  Everything flows from THIS relationship.  Everything.  He grows us in Holy secrecy in a work that begins and ends in our hearts, in a work that begins and ends with His own words, His Spirit and His purposes for us. 

We live in a culture thriving for growth and ultimately for connection and how good when we remember that while "we have many resources, we only have one Source." (Tony Evans)  God is the One who sowed the seed of our very life, who allows our roots to reach down deep as we trust Him in seasons of darkness and who then sends sacred moments of Sun to follow the downpour of life.  We are His open fields, we are wounds that heal.  God is in the work of renewal and regrowth.   There is no ground His love can't reclaim.  He is ever in the work of making all things new and in doing a work that no man can do.

The God Who Makes Us Alive with His Own Life

5-9 God’s Message,
    the God who created the cosmos, stretched out the skies,
    laid out the earth and all that grows from it,
Who breathes life into earth’s people,
    makes them alive with his own life:
“I am God. I have called you to live right and well.
    I have taken responsibility for you, kept you safe.
I have set you among my people to bind them to me,
    and provided you as a lighthouse to the nations,
To make a start at bringing people into the open, into light:
    opening blind eyes,
    releasing prisoners from dungeons,
    emptying the dark prisons.
I am God. That’s my name.
    I don’t franchise my glory,
    don’t endorse the no-god idols.
Take note: The earlier predictions of judgment have been fulfilled.
    I’m announcing the new salvation work.
Before it bursts on the scene,
    I’m telling you all about it.”

Isaiah 42:9The Message (MSG)

One Voice

This week there will likely be voices that speak into who you are and who you can and cannot be.  Some words will soar through the airwaves and into our hearts through relationship, through conversations.  Whether intentional or unintentional, some voices will speak life over us and others will speak limitations.  And then some will reemerge in the silence, through memories, where both joy and sorrow, happiness and hurt live.  Author Bob Goff says "Words people say not only have a shelf life but have the ability to shape life." So before we take the temperature of the week, before we let the past or the present define who we are, where we're going and who we are capable of becoming let's remember there is only One voice who speaks into our lives with the intimate knowledge of every second of our history and every hidden measure of our hope and in a sea of faces, in a noisy world of seven billion people God gets very personal.

"If each grain of sand on the seashore were numbered
and the sum labeled “chosen of God,”
They’d be numbers still, not names...
God doesn’t count us; he calls us by name.
Arithmetic is not his focus."

-Romans 9:27,28 (The Message)

In a culture where ones and zeros, schedules, budgets and business plans rule the modern day, how incredible to remember we are not a number to God.  We're a name.  We're an unrepeatable story.  We're a heartbeat, a unique fingerprint, an ordained purpose and we are unforgettable in the very eyes of God.

“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
or lack compassion for the child of her womb?
Even if these forget,
yet I will not forget you."

Isaiah 49:15

In a world that fills up every second of every day with the noise of life we need divine interruption: a still small voice to lead, instruct and affirm us as we move through life and all its circumstances.  God is still WITH us, FOR us and He will not waiver in His commitment to finish the good work He has started.

Something Grows In The Silence

I've been laying low since the beginning of January engaged in a Lord of The Rings style battle with a wicked case of systemic strep that involved some complications. Without going into detail I've embraced the silence of these last 6 weeks with much surrender and it's amazing to experience what you can hear when all the noise and the undercurrent of life comes to an unpredictable halt. How many self-professed workaholics would ever surrender to rest unless forced to do so? Not this one. But for the first time in a long time I've savored some truths I needed to taste again. I've sifted through worries that have overstayed their welcome and fought some of my worst fears. Quietly. Silently.

I've read books, I've listened to new music, I've written new music, I've had face to face conversations with my people and I've watched the Spirit tend to the ground of my heart anew. What peeks through the soil feels a lot like revelation rising through a covering of grace. His grace. The fellowship of the suffering, where we get caught in the downpour and we lose control and we pray and our roots reach down HARD for truth. THIS is beautiful, this is staggering, this is real and oh how we grow. Oh how HE grows us. Today was my first "Normal" day in 6 weeks but I'm thankful for the long season of silence and what it has produced. God takes away and He gives. Blessed be. More to come. A new reveal soon.

All Things Right

I grew up as a child of the eighties.  It's still my favorite decade.  If you've heard my new record you understand this.  Somewhere in between U2's Joshua Tree and Indiana Jones' Last Crusade I was being raised as a Pastor's daughter in a Mexican Mission South of Dallas.  The majority of our congregants were immigrants with hearts as big and as generous as the size of Texas.  Our church community wasn't a place where we clocked in and clocked out every Sunday.  Our community was family.  If one congregant had a problem we gladly received it as OUR problem.  If one new Mom was expecting WE planned a baby shower, whether we had known her for 6 months or 6 years.  If there was a death in the family and no life insurance WE passed the plate and WE ensured the family of the deceased could grieve with dignity.  I learned empathy and I learned that community often translated into mission and mission was fueled by love, need and unity.  I also learned that the church is the place that has been equipped to meet these needs. More than any other group, the church identifies with the very name of Christ. If we take on His name, we as Christians have been equipped, through God's word to draw from His life, His teachings and the example given to us in the new testament church. We don't do this with perfection but we do this with faithfulness and an unyielding commitment to champion the causes and the people that Christ would champion.

It's 2017 and this Mexican Mission in Texas is still alive, still rallying to meet the needs of the community and is ever a true beacon of hope.  And while times have changed and while we as a society are becoming more self-focused and autonomous, this community hasn't changed.  They don't have much in a worldly sense but would empty their pockets for someone in need. So when I find myself sitting quietly, stunned by the silence of those unwilling to show up for the marginalized, the broken, the powerless and the hurting I remember this church who points me back to Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul,

with all your mind and with all your strength.

31 “The second is: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other command greater than these.”

It's fair to say that as a thirty something woman in the church, born and raised in the U.S. but immersed in the Mexican culture throughout my upbringing, I have never felt more called to these two commandments with a stronger conviction than I do in this moment.  It's also fair to say that until recently I had yet to witness the world turning on its side, away from each other.  How many of us have watched some of the events that have unfolded in the past year with bewilderment and horror?  We've witnessed some unsettling moments in the church at large, in American culture and in our world.   Now for the sobering part: I don't see this new America as something we can view as business as usual.  We are not in Kansas anymore.  We have been through a war of sorts and there is shrapnel in many a heart. And before you write this off as a political post let me assure you that if you look up the definition of political weariness you will see a photo of an ethnically ambiguous brunette with big brown eyes.  Yep, that's me.  I'm uninterested in dissecting sides and motives and the promises of politicians.  I am interested in furthering the conversation we should be having about loving one another, racial reconciliation and how the Gospel is still good news that we must take into every corner of society, even the messy ones. 

  As I grew up my grandparents recounted stories of surviving the Great Depression and serving during World War II.  Their stories were filled with danger, heart break and truth.  My grandfather, who wore his purple heart with an ominous post war ache, would tell of foxholes and friends who covered him in the line of fire but never came back home.  I knew his stories were both raw and real as his lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears but I had never experienced first hand the jolt of disbelief and grief that accompanied the uncertainty of those times. Given the stable state of our economy and the fact that our national security seems to be stable as well I'll not attempt to compare 2017 to the early 1940's.  Many historians would say there is no comparison and I would agree, but the relational discord, the display of insensitivity and (at times) hatred in our country is no less tragic, divisive and perilous.

This is not the first time this world has laid eyes on evil or the apathy that enables it. 

From Nero to Hitler, from the Holocaust to Aleppo, times like these have been and

will be until this world draws its final breath. 

Ecclesiastes 1:9 tells us

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun. "

Truth.  However, do we as followers of Christ have work to do after the shock has worn off but before the tragedy is explained away as some 'normal' cycle of humanity?  Are we not called as Christ followers to champion the many categories of those who are powerless? Do we not feel challenged or convicted to reach the marginalized and fearful around us even when what they fear poses no threat to us personally? Have we all not been given a brief vapor of time in which to write beauty into the tragic stories we see unfolding around us?

Here we are in 2017 and I can truly say I've never experienced a thirst to see both the love and the justice of God quite as intensely as I do in this season.  As believers we have an invitation to accept, to join God in bringing justice where there is injustice, to join Him in bringing redemption where there is devastation, to do our part to see His kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven.

"We see these kingdoms of our own here where power is king

and the meek are poor.  We strain with a gaze of earthen awe.

But the pure in heart shall see God." - All Things Right

I penned the lyrics to this song in 2015 with little confidence in the man made systems and constructs of a world broken by the Fall.  I later recorded these words with an unflinching assurance in the only God who is all powerful, all present and all knowing; a God who is bringing His love and His justice into the world through His people until He returns, until "the dawn swells with a new light no eye has ever seen."  Church, I love you.  I was raised inside your four corners and I've given my life to serving you.  Now, I invite you to pray and consider what your role is in God's redemptive work in such a crucial time in our country, our culture and our world.  You were born into such a time as this for the "good works God prepared in advance for (you) to do." Ephesians 2:10

COURAGE dear Ones.  COURAGE.

Love,

TG

Overcoming Fear & Anxiety: Podcast Interview

Hey Friends,

I hope your year is off to a good start! I've been writing, booking, recording, spending time with family and enjoying the unseasonably warm weather here in Nashville.  65 degrees in January is an unexpected blessing for this Texas girl and exchanging the warmth for the usual Winter dreariness has been so good for my soul.  But for today, I'd like to shine a light on a very candid podcast interview I recently recorded.  It's no secret our society is inundated with stress and anxiety in its various forms.  As I've traveled around the country I've heard countless stories of those who have been affected by fear, anxiety and even depression.  This experience, coupled with our family's own recent battle has compelled me to shine a light of awareness and hope on this community even more.  You are not forgotten, you are not alone and I hope this podcast encourages you in your process.

Listen Here

I've also included some very specific take-aways based on our own season with this struggle.  Be encouraged and please forward this to someone you know who could be helped by it.

Embrace Authentic Community

The ministry of presence can be so helpful to counter the effects of isolation that depression and anxiety bring. Surround yourself with safe people you can trust and be honest with; people who will encourage you as well as those who will sit with you in the silence and pain and wait with you as you wait on the Lord.

Read the Psalms

Reading through the Psalms is so helpful as it encourages us to process both the joys and the sorrow of our own experiences. It holds up the human experience like a mirror, encouraging us to reflect inward on our own hearts leaving no area withheld as we engage God in prayer with the most difficult places of our journey.  David did not sanitize his process with God, neither should we.

Exercise Self Care

It's not uncommon for many of us to care for everyone but ourselves. It's also tempting to relegate self care to the physical but in reality this subject is all encompassing. Self care can come in the form of a good night's sleep and an inspirational book but it can also come through watching a breath taking sun rise over the ocean or through having a delicious meal and a rich conversation with a friend or spouse. Make space in your life for the things that bring renewal to your soul.

Prayers + Blessings

TG

"If You Could Dream"

Hey Friends!

Well, 2016 has been ALL the things as they say, in the world and our corner of it: beautiful, complex, exhausting but exhilarating.  We've never worked harder this year and I'm thankful for the God-given redemptive collection of moments. But time is made up of seconds, hours, days, weeks and months that all add up to this one grand collage we call life.  As the pieces take their place throughout the course of a year it can be near impossible to see the work of art that's forming or the hands that put it all into place.  So, at the end of all things 2016 let's open up the vault and look at some bright spots that were inspirations this year, the ones that helped us dream bigger dreams and let's also look at some new discoveries.  I hope you'll tap into some resources here that will make your 2017 even richer.

The List

I LOVE podcasts.  They are wonderful commute companions and I've been known to save a few episodes to chew on during flights, meal prep and much of the space in between.  My favorites would comprise a list too long for this blog but I've narrowed down my top 3 here and I hope you'll share yours too!  I'm always on the lookout for new discoveries.  On a side note I'd like to state that if you plan on checking these resources out I'd encourage you to dive in with a 1 Thessalonians 5:21 state of mind.  My inclusion of these isn't a ringing endorsement for every single comment or every single guest or every single post.  Examine everything and retain the good as it applies to you and your own personal faith and journey!  Enjoy!

Favorite Podcast Discoveries of 2016
 

The Road Back to You

I've been a proponent of self awareness for a while now.  I have a Psychology degree with an emphasis in Christian Counseling and I've been a student of human behavior for a long time.  Recently, I've found the Enneagram to be an amazing tool that has helped me delve deeper into how God uniquely wires each of us.  This is an insightful and thought provoking podcast that may help you understand yourself and those around you even better.

The Village Church Sermons

While I was on the road this year, Matt Chandler and his pastoral team at The Village Church in DFW shepherded me without ever knowing it.  Traveling alone is both wonderful (for an introvert like myself) and challenging and I was grateful for the consistent teaching I found in this podcast that helped strengthen my heart and spirit along the way.

That Sounds Fun with Annie Downs

This podcast accomplishes something rare.  It's hosted by a woman but non-exclusive in its appeal.  I love that Annie Downs has interviewed everyone from the hilarious Dave Barnes to the profoundly insightful Ann Voskamp.  I've laughed, prayed new prayers and yes, I do believe Annie and I would be BFF's if we ever met.

Favorite Organizations I was inspired by this year

Missional organizations have always had a special place in my heart.  I grew up as the granddaughter of Missionaries and as a Pastor's daughter so I have a soft spot for this kind of work.  So I wanted to feature the organizations this year that intersected with my journey and pulled on my heart strings.  These people are doing redemptive work for the kingdom and spur me on to do the same.

International Justice Mission

I first had the opportunity to hear the heart behind the mission of IJM when I led worship at an IF:Gathering retreat earlier this year.  I was cut to the heart.  They are doing amazing social justice work that is impacting real lives in countries around the world.  I urge you to consider getting involved and supporting them in any way you can. 

Under The Radar

This is truly a rare organization operated by the sheer passion, calling and love that founder Dave Trout and team have for offering "gourmet" music while also facilitating authentic community among faith based artists and listeners searching for a musical alternative to mainstream CCM.   If you want to hear more inspired and "gourmet" music I encourage you to plug in to the UTR community and get involved in any way you can!
 

Preemptive Love

I have watched, along with the world, the heartbreaking events of Aleppo.  I was profoundly moved by Preemptive Love's presence on the ground there where they are providing aid, food and care to this marginalized community.   They have been the hands and feet of Jesus to this hurting community and I'm so inspired by their tireless and courageous work. 

Favorite Instagram Accounts

I've always been a highly visual person.  Aesthetics, design and images are really important to me in conjunction with art and communication and have always been a part of what I take in to replenish myself creatively.  I've got a soft spot for good films, unique graphic design and interesting photography.  Here are a few accounts that have inspired me on both a creative and heart level.

Linda Lomelino

I think my heart skipped a beat the first time I accidentally stumbled upon Linda Lomelino's photography and work.  From the beautiful images taken in stunning settings to the way she incorporates light and dark (some metaphorical goodness & meaning implied here)...everything about her artistic point of view spoke to me this year.

Humans of New York
This is a really special but raw account offering an unfiltered glimpse of the entire spectrum of humanity.  It's not for the faint of heart or the sheltered.  I found myself revisiting this account this year when I felt discouragement or apathy creeping in.  The world is much too homesick to give up the fight for hope and redemption.   The images and stories represented by the HONY platform often deepened my compassion and fueled my perseverance to continue to do my part to push back on the darkness in the world.  I hope they will have the same affect on you.

The House That Lars Built

Everyone should have at least one place they can go to get a JOY fix : ). This account is my special place.  It's all about living an "artful life" and it's for those of us who want to be inspired by happy, whimsical, left of center images, designs and projects.

My top 3 moments of 2016

Releasing my new record, Love Lines The Last Horizon & The Wild Love Video to the World on the same day was just pure joy and gratitude for me.  When you take a year and a half to build a project you don't fully realize how much the process will change you.  September 30th was a day when emergence and celebration converged.  Watching the Wild Love lyric video connect with tens of thousands of people on a heart level in the weeks and months to come was just more than I could ever have hoped for as an Artist.  Deeply grateful.

Hearing thousands of voices worship and sing Foundation at Fielder Church in Arlington on the LLTLH tour this Fall was a pinch me moment.  When I wrote this song with my friend Sarah Hart we dreamt of this moment and to have lived it on such a large scale was so unexpected.  I couldn't look out into the crowd much because I wanted to just weep.  It's a moment I'll never forget.

Filming footage for the new "Quiet Street" video in Joshua Tree National Park with my hubby was an other worldly experience.  We've never seen such wild and untouched beauty in our lives and the way this opportunity came about was nothing short of divine intervention.  California is also officially my dream state.  This video is in production with plans to release in early 2017.

Top 3 Life Altering Quotes of 2016

"If you could dream what would you dream?"
When a new friend asked me this question in early 2016 I didn't have an answer because my dream-o-meter had been broken by the process of making the record and the events that inspired it.  I was just surviving.  Through the process of this year, the healing and the beauty of it, I've discovered that (for me) there is an important link between my overall emotional, mental and spiritual health and my ability to dream and trust God for those dreams.  As renewal came and I began to dream again I started to see the connection between renewal and hope...between hope and dreams...between dreams and the courage to pray for those dreams.  It's been a healing year and I've seen God fulfill some of the deepest dreams and desires I've had...even the ones I didn't have the courage or insight to dream for.  Glory be.

"Pay attention to what makes you cry...the good cry."

I heard this on a podcast at some point this year.  It may have been from Annie Downs.  I was immediately struck by this statement and the connection between what moves us and how that connects us to possible desires God has embedded deep inside of us.  I've been contemplating this in 2016 and have realized that (for me) the connection is both clarifying and helpful.  What moved me and made me cry at the age of 6, 18 and 30 has often been indicative of how God has wired me and even a foreshadowing of the path He would eventually call me into. 
 

"To love the person who crucifies you is staggering."

Lisa Gungor (of Gungor fame) tweeted this late this year and it cut deep in the best most convincing and convicting way.  I'm not sure I have the words to convey exactly why so I'll just let her words speak for themselves here.

I hope you enjoy some of these new discoveries and I hope you're inspired to continue your journey into 2017 with courage and perseverance.  Our world needs so much hope and so much healing.  So I wave goodbye to 2016 with " the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too" in the words of the great Frederick Buechner.   There's so much redemptive work to be done and I hope we can lock arms and encourage one another in 2017 as we all do our part to redeem the days God has given each of us.

Happy New Year Friends!

Learning to hear the music again

Once upon a time we heard the music. When the Spirit of God hovered over the waters and He separated the light from the dark, when God gathered the waters in one place and made every living thing and breathed His breath into mankind, He spoke. God created and then repeated what may have been the world's first refrain: "It was good." He created day after day and with each new creation this world and life as we know it became one, continuous, beautiful song. The Original Artist had begun orchestrating the symphony of all things and all creation joined in His refrain.

 Once upon a time I heard the music. I know the song was pulsing through the room when I took my first breath. In the palpable rhythm of the hearts beating around my own, the humming of celebration and the sighs of joy, the music was playing and I joined in the song as the first notes of my new and tiny voice rang out. Yes, once upon a time I joined the music.

 I can't recall the moment I stopped hearing the music, but as I settled into early adulthood it was as if the signal had grown faint. I would occasionally hear a beautiful echo here and there in a sparrow's morning call or in the laughter of a child, but it was as if the static of life had grown increasingly loud. As my ears became more attuned to the post-Eden sounds of busyness, homesickness and the injustice in the world, I began to long more and more for the ability to hear the orchestrated beauty I knew had been playing all along, running wild in our Father's world. I wanted to hear the music again; the kind of music still pulsing through the created world singing the same refrain God spoke in Genesis chapter one: "it is good!" "WE are good!" because He made us...but most of all because He loves us.

 And I wanted to join the music again. I wanted to experience the awe and wonder and joy of salvation and the gift of breath in my lungs and then tell my own God stories. I wanted to reclaim my seat at the celebration of life and sit underneath the beautiful chorus of the Gospel as it washed over me and over all things. I wanted to join in redemption's song again and have the courage to play my part so bravely that the voices of fear and sorrow would be drowned out by the sounds of compassion, hope and love. I wanted these things so much that my heart could barely stand it and so I gathered my courage and prayed. My prayer was simply this: Dear God, teach me how to listen...again.

 One warm evening in late May, I gathered the remainder of my courage to sit in the silence. I sat and waited and then heard the faintest of sounds. It was the music trying, so desperately, to make its way to me again. As I stood to my feet I could feel the melody and the rhythm and the words begin to ring out with growing and unmistakable clarity. I took a seat at the piano and hoped this moment would be my chance to rejoin the refrain. Within a few hours, "We Are Your Song" was born as the most anthemic and celebratory answer to prayer I’ve ever received and the first of many songs I would hear in a new season of listening.

 It’s my great joy to send this song out into the world as a soundtrack of celebration for those of us who need to be reminded that in the eyes of the Father we are loved, remembered and His. Psalm 145:9 tells us, “The LORD is good to all, and His mercy is over all that he has made.” The Master orchestrator of all things, all powerful, present and knowing, is also a loving Father who holds all creation and even us, together.

 "We Are Your Song" is my unapologetic protest to the darkness, the sadness and the injustice of this world and I'm thrilled to rejoin all creation in singing "it is good!" to be known, to be loved and to be His.

 Recently, I had the deeply moving experience of discovering the work of the International Justice Mission, which was a featured organization at an IF:Gathering Retreat where I led worship this spring. My heart was pierced as I listened to the way in which they champion the Gospel in so many countries. It's my great joy and honor to have all of my proceeds from this single donated to furthering their worthy mission as they protest the darkness all around the world.

The single can be purchased here: http://apple.co/25Ah6VZ
 

Love Lines The Last Horizon

On the night of June 29th, 2015 I went to bed with a bit of a Christmas Eve twinkle in my eye. No, it wasn't December 24th but after 4 years of learning how to starve fear, work hard and pray harder, God had gifted us with the impossible. The following day I would begin my first day in the studio, with one of my dream Producers, to record a new album that had been excavated from the depths of the soul mines. My heart was full of gratitude, anticipation and a missional desire to serve the world a side of hope through an album full of many moments of musical kingdom come. I faded into sleep that night praying "How could this be?" and "Thank you" in the same breath.

Now as a mother of 2 young children I was accustomed to being abruptly awakened by a shake of the shoulder from a bad dream or a nagging cough. But in the wee hours of June 30th, 2015 I awoke to something I was not prepared for. I was startled by the sound of someone sobbing and pacing back and forth in the darkness of our bedroom. Even in my dazed confusion I quickly knew these restrained but desperate cries were coming from my husband Jake. My heart sank. It is still incredibly painful to recall this memory because Jake has always been as steady and strong as they come. His history is deeply rooted in hard work, common sense and logical evaluation, all cultivated on the picturesque Tennessee farm where he was raised. He became an engineer by trade because he's gifted in knowing how to speak order and balance into the chaos of various environments and situations. So when the floods occasionally rose within my world, he instinctively knew the rescue protocol.

But on this moon lit morning, without warning, the dam broke in a different place. A raging river of lamentation flowed freely and openly in the middle of the night and I was suffocating inside with every passing wave of sorrow. I could feel my chest tightening as I listened to every desperate, hopeless word he spoke. Neither of us knew what was happening. The air grew thick with a suffering we could not yet name. I listened and in my complete bewilderment I did what any God-fearing, Bible believing Pastor's daughter would do: I asked him if I could pray. We sat in the dark. I held on tight and prayed the most honest, desperate, scripture filled prayer I knew how to pray.

I needed him to be ok. Our family needed him to be ok. I hoped HARD for his peace to be restored that very morning. I convinced myself that this was just the darkness pushing back on the light, just a temporary shadow cast on the new chapter of ministry we would begin on that important day. Instead we entered a long and winding journey into what was and is the deepest season of trust life has required us to walk in.

I left for the studio that day and every day after, completely broken hearted and in the fiercest battle with fear I had yet to experience in my thirty some years. This dark episode and the ones to follow would attempt to define us as a family as we grew physical and emotional limitations seemingly overnight. We were walking wounded and utterly broken by Jake's battle with depression and severe anxiety. And even though the nightmare now had a given name we struggled to navigate this new normal. Between my long days of recording and our short, sleepless nights we were surviving on rationed rest and just as little peace. We had entrusted our battle to a few intercessors but still the darkness loomed. Then one night as I was preparing to go to bed I went to the piano, where most of the wars within are given their chance to speak. A passage from Psalm 130:6 had been stirring in me for days:

"I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."  Psalm 130:6

We had offered countless earnest prayers. We had sought godly counsel and help. We had crossed every spiritual "T" and dotted every emotional "I" but there was no sign of light. How could I sing about hope and not know how to live from that place in this dark season?  How could we heal an illness we couldn't understand? As I listened to Psalm 130:6 play over and over in my mind I began to wonder if my hope was fixed on a concrete solution instead of a person and a relationship. I began to wonder if my hope had become firmly fixed on finding the light instead of seeking its Source. I went back to Psalm 130:6 and read it again.  'I wait for the Lord..." "I wait for the LORD..." 

Almost instantly this line echoed off the walls of my heart and I scribbled it down:

"I reach for Your hand over understanding."

In that moment it became achingly clear that maybe God wanted to give us more than an answer and more than understanding. Maybe God wanted to offer us more than instant circumstantial deliverance. Maybe God wanted to give us what He knew we really needed... more of Himself. Maybe He wanted to take us to a place of sacred fellowship, to a place deeper than any place we had ever been with Him so we could experience a grace we had never known. 

Maybe this was the only way we would ever discover that even when we're too weak and broken to reach for Him, He is reaching, always reaching for us.

"Oh saving light I cannot reach

Oh saving light You'll come for me

Here I will wait

Here You will be

Oh saving light You'll come for me"

A Living Invitation

Apathy.

The uninvited dinner guest at the celebration of life.

You know, the One who slips in the back door completely unnoticed,

camouflaged by the crowded chaos...cavalier smile in tact.

We don't expect any unwanted visitors.

We think the perimeter of our world view is perfectly air tight.

But somewhere in the dance of life we change partners.

Somehow compassion slips away and contentment takes its place.

Because maybe the rhythm of mercy just doesn't keep time

with our own needs, our own dreams and our own responsibilities.

               In our scripted plans of daily living there is a voice.

It pleads us to stay on task to ignore the interruption of the divine.

It begs us to stay in the comfort of our homes to avoid the need

outside of our own four walls.

It offers exemption...

Someone else will engage the broken
Someone else will visit the sick
Someone else will help the orphan
Someone else will feed the hungry
Someone else will encourage the downcast
Someone else will...

We get lost in the numbers.

I've been there.

We get overwhelmed when we consider the great sea of need

across the world's horizon.  

I've been there too.
 

I recently heard someone say:

"Do for one, what you wish you could do for many."

Because YES there IS great need in Africa, in South America and in distant

lands we may never touch with our own hands.

Yet one needn't venture there to find the face of suffering.

In the reaches of our own little world there are roads right around us

littered with sadness and pain...with loss and hopelessness.

In our very own community...

Our melting pot of soccer moms and power suits,
where backyard barbecues and concrete jungles define American dreams

In our encounters with friends and strangers...we find 'picture perfect' fading....

always...

eventually...

into a flawed image.

We are an imperfect people.

We are an imperfect people who happen to need each other.

Who happen to NEED each other...even in our imperfections.

So what would happen if we learned to gaze beyond our own tattered fences

and our own troubles and demands?

Would we see?

Could we see what is hidden by the thin dark shroud of the status quo and of

the problem of our own pain?

Could we still our hurried hands and racing minds long enough to

lift the veil to SEE someone else?

"Beneath the worst the world can do, there is always the glimmer of the best." -Frederick Buechner

HOPE.

It is the glimmer that glows even in the darkest of sorrows

It is the beautiful belief that "our present sufferings are not worth comparing

with the glory that will be revealed..." (Romans 8:18)

The dark world around us so desperately needs this truth...as do we.

And if we paused maybe the glimmer inside of us would glow bright enough to catch their eye.

And if we paused maybe they would see hope cast its brilliant light

into the darkest places of our own complex universes

and know the light was indeed TRUE.

If we paused maybe we could become

A Living Invitation

To walk in the wide grace of forgiveness

To behold the beauty of redemption

To breathe every breath with the hope of eternity

"But thanks be to God, who always puts us on display

in Christ and through us spreads the aroma of the knowledge

of Him in every place. For to God we are the fragrance

of Christ among those who are being saved

and among those who are perishing."

2 Corinthians 2:14-15

And the invitation is NOT an obligation

The invitation is NOT an action item conquered and crossed off of our scripted lists

The invitation is NOT an accessory to our own agenda
 

The invitation is a call to love.

A RESPONSE to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Because there is a difference between feeling obligated and being compelled

by the overwhelming and inconceivable love of God shown to us through Christ Jesus.

Our life is a response.

Our time is a response

Our sacrifice is a response

And still...our community...and the world around us waits.

Hovering over the scripted plans of daily living there is a voice.

It is the voice of love

It is the whisper of compassion

It is the song of hope

Calling out in the noise of life.

Let it be silenced no more.

Divine Observation

I love beautiful things.

Now I know I represent the gender pool you'd most likely expect to hear this type of statement from. But let me assure you, the well this remark rises from does not spring from the latest Prada line or ahem...my last Target purchase.

I recently took a trip back home to be with my folks for Christmas. We only planned to be in Texas for 7 days but by week's end I was immersed in the beauty of all things family.

It caught me by surprise really.

I suppose one doesn't prepare to experience the thrill of wonder within the framework of the familiar. But there was something special, unprecedented and new that slayed me when I caught our 5 year old Sophie burrowing in my Mother's arms. It was a feeling that made every chamber of my heart pump faster with deep pulsating gratitude. I felt it again when I watched an especially tender exchange between my Father as he cradled Jonah's sleepy head to give him his morning milk.

It was a visceral experience. I was completely awash with beauty.

I basked in the glow of all things good. So much so, that I could feel my heart sink when I realized we would have to leave the garden. And in that moment I felt as if I would give anything to maintain my place in the soul-filling joy of my own small corner of Eden.

It's a nagging sentiment that can invade its way into the purest of joys:

“All good things must come to an end.”

With a heavy heart I began to wonder why. Why am I and why are we drawn to beauty and beautiful things? Is it our way of peering past the gates of the mundane into a glimpse of that first glory? Is it our attempt to gaze ever so dimly into the wholeness and endless joy we would've known if not for the fall? Do we ever find ourselves pining for beauty as if it were a 'quick fix' or a way to soothe the restlessness common to man?

My questions began to peel the symptoms of my soul sickness back, layer by layer until the very core of my struggle was exposed. The longing to freeze frame the beauty of any given glorious moment, my disdain for separation and the ache of loss were all branches of a deeply rooted tree and symptoms of seemingly incurable homesickness.

“You can kiss your family and friends goodbye and put miles between you,

but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind,

your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”

-Frederick Buechner

The night before our return trip to Tennessee I had tossed and turned trying to avoid tsunami sized waves of dread. As I wrestled my questions and fears to the ground I found myself emerging on the other side, open armed and able to offer thanks for the goodness and beauty held in our time with family. With a newly settled heart, sleep wooed me in. Twelve a.m. brought a timely swell of gratitude.

We're invited to dwell in the One who bestows beauty

We have a choice between the temporal and the eternal

Morning called at 3:00 am and our departure was imminent. We kept our goodbyes short and drove out into the dark night. “Goodbye Texas” said one tiny trembling voice in the back seat. I swallowed the lump in my own throat...hard. For the next three hours, off and on, our sweet girl wept and begged us to go back and for the next three hours I braced myself and begged for strength.

Somewhere in between the rise and fall of her teary pleas

I managed to whisper these words.

“Lord, I know you understand how I feel.

Afterall, You left Your father to go to the place where

He needed You most.”

(Long Pause)

“God, I really don't have any answers right now.

All I know is that....You...love...me.”

And just as the word “me” left my lips I opened my eyes and heard Jake exclaim “Do you SEE that?!” In spite of my wonder and awe, I very calmly responded with a quiet “Yes”

What happened in that moment seemed other worldly. An enormous and brilliant shooting star was taking a glorious golden bow in the total blackness and void of that wide Texas sky. And you will have to pardon me, and perhaps indulge me, but in that moment, it felt as if this amazing display was meant just for us.

Tears.

There were no other vehicles on that long lonely interstate in the wee hours of December 29th, 2013. No other witnesses to speak of. Only the absolute peace and consolation we experienced in knowing we were not alone out in the long and lonely stretches of a dark tearful night.

There was only grace which had been imparted in that moment

as we understood our sadness and longing had been under

divine observation all along.

It's 2014 and I'll tell you this: I still love beautiful things. I will forever have a weakness for sunrises, shooting stars and long visits with dearly missed family. But I'm asking my Father, the great and sovereign timekeeper to fix my eyes on He who speaks all beauty and every moment into being.  I'm learning to make my home in Him and it's no suprise-

Beauty follows Him wherever He goes.

All of God's Children

It was a beautiful Fall morning and I had just dropped off my 5 year old at school.  I had been putting this trip to the County Health Dept off for a few weeks but alas...I needed to get Jonah (10 months) a 'preservative-free' flu shot (which I paid for).  

I walked into a mostly clean but busy clinic.  I could hear multiple languages being spoken around me by several translators who worked there.

I can't tell you how struck I was by the demographic. I saw MANY of 'my people' but there was an obvious mix of several cultures, including whites.

The room was completely FULL of people. It was also full of brokenness, humility and despair. In between the silence I caught a few timid smiles and shared a meaningful exchange with some fellow sojourners. In a culture that esteems and values people for their net worth, power, prestige and appearance it was a good reminder of this:

"The sacrifice pleasing to God is a BROKEN spirit.
God, You will not despise a BROKEN and HUMBLED heart." Psalm 51:17

"For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the HEART.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Contrary to popular belief, there is no "other half." We are ALL the same. We are all broken, all in very desperate need of a Savior... and in the vastness that is God's boundless heart...there is a place...for.ALL.of.us.